‘And if you look at your reflection…is that all you want it to be? What if you could look right through the cracks? Would you find yourself afraid to see?’ nine inch nails

My greatest fear is similar to that of being forgotten

But it’s more about living with the knowledge that when I’m gone, I’ll be forgotten

Maybe that’s why, when I was younger, carving things like ‘Angela was here’ on desks, felt like such a necessity

This great fear of mine

It’s not that I won’t exist

It’s the that I will have left no discernible mark on this world

Other than my carbon footprints

I wonder if that’s the reason people have children…

To ensure a piece of them lives on

It’s like a taste of immortality

I’ve got no delusions of grandeur

I won’t have discovered some new disease or uncovered some brilliant theory that will propel my name forward

There’s no legacy to leave behind

One day…

Who knows when?

My life will end

And that will just sorta be the gist of it…

Seems anticlimactic after everything, doesn’t it?

It’s the thought of having endured so much and then one day, it’s just *poof* over

And there’s nothing to show for it

It seems like such a waste of time

Time wasted throughout a lifetime

Time eaten up by anxiety and panic attacks and Optic Neuritis and depression

Time that I can never get back

There’s nothing more fear inducing than running out of time

On a test, in a race

Needing more time

But looking up at that damn clock

And seeing the seconds tick tick tick

It’s like Tyler Durden says in Fight Club:

This is your life and it’s ending one minute at a time’

That realization is supposed to motivate you

To change

To live fully

But what if all it does, is leave you paralyzed in fear?

What if it just haunts you?

Always reminding you

That time is slipping away

And you haven’t done what you were supposed to?

What you were meant to do?

What if it just reminds you that what you had, you simply wasted?

I hate the idea of leaving behind a gravestone with my name

And yet I am even more terrified of the possibility, in which that might be the only mark I’ve left on this earth

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Time

I think I’m impatient                             I want to feel better.                         Not even ‘good’.                                 Just better than right now             Than yesterday                                  I’m tired of feeling so tired.            This week was long and hard and too fucking hot.                                       I feel like I’m struggling so hard to keep my ahead above water.              I know recovery takes time

But I’m so impatient.                            I feel like I’ve wasted so much time already.                                        Anxiety and depression stole years from me.                                             And Multiple Sclerosis has hijacked my life.                                                  It’s hard to remain positive.         When every fibre and cell in my body wants to give in to the negativity.                                        When I’m so tired I can’t think straight.                                           When my head and eyes hurt so much I just want to…

I’m impatient, I know.                     But I’m trying.                                      I’m trying to take it day by day.    Hour by hour.                              Minute by minute.                           And every moment that passes, I mentally tick it off.                            But that next moment feels twice as long.                                                    And even though I know that the time has no choice but to pass and keep moving.                                         It feels like I’ll never get to the next second 

I’m impatient.                                          I know.                                                 But I’m no fool.                                        I know that time waits for no one. Or for anything.                                 Not even for me.                                         Not even for Multiple Sclerosis.