‘Let’s go to Never Land and never come back till forever ends.’

Yesterday I dreamed I was free

I could move freely

I could fly anywhere

My mind was a safe place

It was like a children’s playground

That I was free to explore

I could stand in the middle of the universe

With my arms outstretched

My head lifted to see the sky above

My eyes wide and bright

The world I saw was clearly defined but with no sharp edges

I could see kindness pouring out of strangers faces

I felt warmth

All around me

It was like having some soup on the coldest day of the year

And in that moment every thing is just right

Even if it’s only soup

And it’s only a dream

But morning comes too fast

And the sun is too bright and it hurts my eyes

And it’s too hot and my arm throbs

And nothing feels as soothing as that soup did

I woke up

And all I see are sharp edges and corners that lead to scary places

People aren’t so kind

And I’m warned not to go outside

And the only place I can stretch out and look above me

Is on my bed

And so all I can do is

Hope that when sleep takes me

My dreams are about playgrounds and hot soup on a cold day and kindness all around me

But maybe if I close my eyes really right

I can stay in that dreamland just a little while longer

‘I used to be somebody’- NIN

I’ve been off of work for two years

On long term disability

Every day the probability of returning to my old job felt further away

Yesterday I received an email from my employer

Officially terminating my employment

It hit me hard

You might think it’s no big deal since I’ve been off work for so long

You’d be wrong

I felt like I couldn’t breathe

I reread the email so many times

The words blended together

Floating on the screen

They didn’t make sense anymore

I worked there for 6 years

I’ve been working in this field for over 12 years

Now it’s over

Officially I guess

I’m no longer a youth worker

I don’t know what I am

My name is Angela and I used to be a youth worker

‘To be calm is the highest achievement of self’

Today is my anniversary

Notice I didn’t write ‘ours’?

Because this one

Well it’s entirely mine

Today marks exactly one year since I would rather have died than continue to live in the state of panic I was in

It might seem dramatic

I don’t know if I can explain the pain I was in

I remember my mom talking about how I was then

And she winced recollecting the sound of my crying

It was without a doubt the worst time of my life

That’s saying something

Since I’ve been through so much

Its strange to some people

That I would pick Multiple Sclerosis and the unknown

I would pick ITP and the biweekly bloodwork

I would choose those things in a heartbeat

I would choose those things if it meant never having to go through a mental health breakdown

Today

As I write this I’m in a much better place

Both literally and figuratively

I’m not freaking out at Humber’s unequipped emergency department

Pleading

No

Begging for someone to help me

Today

I will not focus on what I couldn’t do then

No

Today,

I’m at my home

That I share with my husband of 12 years

My two dogs

Vinnie and Benny.

I woke up this morning

I brushed my teeth and washed my face

I had coffee and breakfast

I rearranged some furniture

I did some art

Now I’m writing this blog

It’s all so unexceptional

And I am so fucking grateful

‘Life is a cruel teacher. She’ll test you first and give you the lesson later.’

This is me after 2 days at St. mikes emerge getting IVIG treatment, 20 plus hours at Humber’s emerge, blood tests in the high double digits, uncomfortable beds and a long night where an elderly Italian woman was wailing my name along with some other choice words and howling the night away. Oh yeah and I’ve been waiting for my antidepressants since 6am. Life. 🤷🏻‍♀️

‘Okay, you made me scared, you did what you set out to do And I’m not prepared, you really had me going there for a minute or two’ The Tragically Hip

Scared is different from panic

Panic is unwarranted

Panic is your body misinterpreting signals

Panic is reading everything as danger

Scared is a reminder of what we have to lose

Scared is a prayer on our lips

Scared is being alive

It’s okay to be scared

Sometimes it’s even expected

Sometimes I struggle to sort out in my mind what is ‘normal’ fear and what is my panic disorder

Yesterday I felt my heart beat fast and I felt panicked

Surely it meant something was wrong

Maybe I was bleeding in my brain

Maybe I was going to feel the way I did last week

Maybe I would receive bad news

Today is different

Today I am scared that my blood levels won’t improve

Today I am scared that this could turn into something worse

Today I am scared to miss out on anymore of my life

And tomorrow

Is another day

That I can’t be afraid of

Just yet

‘Yes, they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness But it’s better than drinkin’ alone’ Billy Joel

I never thought that finishing a mental health group program at a local hospital

Would remind me of a challenge I’ve often faced in my life

It’s called ‘loneliness’

One I’ve struggled with throughout my life

‘Loneliness is often defined in terms of one’s connectedness to others, or more specifically as “the unpleasant experience that occurs when a person’s network of social relations is deficient in some important way”.’-Wikipedia

I can’t recall the first time I felt lonely

I remember watching home videos of me as a kid at a birthday party

I was standing by the wall

Watching as all the other kids played and ran by me

I wonder know if that little girl felt lonely

Even in a crowded room with other kids laughing and playing

The last time I can clearly remember not feeling lonely was when I was a kid and I had two cousins who would sleep over for days at a time

Even during the school week

We went to school together too

But it was over too soon

Because when I became a teenager everything changed

Adolescence was a fucked up time for me

I felt like an outsider who didn’t really belong anywhere

And I don’t think I ever really found my niche

Until recently that is

Until the group that I was in at the hospital

The misfits

I wasn’t alone in the group

Even lost in my own thoughts

There were people beside me

Who knew

Who understood

There is nothing as intoxicating of a feeling as being understood

Of course we exchanged numbers with promises to stay in touch

But promises don’t always last and we all forget

Anyway that the group is over

And I’m not working

I find myself alone a lot

Being alone isn’t a bad thing per say

But it does give me too much time to dwell in the feelings that being alone brings

It’s empty and hollow

Like a cave

And sometimes I just want to leave this cavernous space

And be around people who get me

But I’m sort of stuck in this time and place

And I’m worried that if things don’t change

That lonely small little girl who watched the world go by

Will become a lonely sad old lady

Who is watching the world go by…

Nolite Te Bastardes Carborundum-The Handmaids Tale by Margaret Atwood

The last 4.5 months have been filled with things I was too scared to do, things I thought I’d never be able to do again and things I fought to be able to do again. This was one of them. ‘Don’t let the bastards grind you down’ means more to me now than it did when I initially wanted this done. Thank you again to the incomparable @xmarks for the tattoo, the chats and the comfy chair.

‘In the blink of an eye, everything can change.’

Sometimes I’m scared to blink

Im afraid that this current edition of my life

Will suddenly morph back into the one I was living 4 months ago

Although living seems like far too grand of a word for what I was doing

Existing maybe

Barely

So now even going to sleep is a gamble

Which version of myself will I be when I wake up?

It seems like far too big of a risk to take

And I’m not that much of a risk-taker

Not with my life

I don’t want to lose this stranglehold I have on my life right now

I’ve worked too hard

Struggled and fought too hard

To lose it all

In the blink of an eye

Me n Robert Frost and a room full of strangers

Three people graduated from the program today

The facilitators spoke about each of their accomplishments

The rest of the group was invited to share with the graduates our own thoughts and well wishes

Three strangers were moving on

To different stages of their lives

They looked relieved, scared, unsure, happy and apprehensive

They spoke about fear of relapse and of isolation and of the unknown

My peers talked about their wisdom, bravery and relatable experiences

I shared the only thing I could

‘In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.’

And there’s something that’s both so reassuring and terrifying about that

It just all depends on the day that you wake up to

I looked around

And I just knew that each of them understood exactly what Robert Frost meant

I could see it in their eyes

That reminded me so much of my own