‘The Jealous Are Troublesome To Others, But Torment To Themselves.’ William Penn

When your world feels small and your life seems shitty, and you see the people around you…people you love or like a whole lot…living their lives, happy and maybe not perfect but pretty damn good

How do you cope with that twitch of jealousy in your heart?

The one you don’t want to experience

And the one that it pains you to admit to

How do you feel happy for them…

And still long for your own

Without that green-eyed monster taking up permanent residence in your heart?

-Asking for a friend 😳

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‘Putting up with means withdrawing from panic in panic; adding panic to panic, hoping that panic will go away quickly and not come back; it means avoiding people and places that bring on panic so that one’s horizon becomes narrower and narrower unit it is finally bounded by the front gate…It means continued illness.’ Dr. Claire Weekes

I’m feeling frustrated today

I consider myself a pretty smart person

Also someone who is more self aware than the average person

I’m well versed in all things anxiety and panic related

I feel like I graduated with a masters in this shit

I can recite all the therapy talk

More so

I actually believe in what I’m saying

I am perfectly aware that nothing worse than the panic attack itself, will happen to me

And yet

Every morning I wake up, heart pounding, mind racing

In fear of the next panic attack

Those same panic attacks I’ve been having for over two decades

Those same panic attacks in which what I’m most afraid of, does not come true

In fact

It never comes true

So what the fuck is the problem?

I think my own fear is greater than my knowledge

So I give in

Day after day

Even with the meds I obediently take

I watch life pass me by

Feeling less and less like it’s even my life that I’m missing out on

That’s how far out of reach things like dinner out or going to my sisters house seem

I can’t seem to stop from being hard on myself

I feel like yelling at myself:

AFTER ALL OF THIS, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU STILL NOT GET?!

HOW MUCH MORE TIME WILL YOU WASTE BEFORE YOU FINALLY MOVE ON?!’

I’m sitting here shaking my head

Because, after everything

And I still don’t have the answers to any of that

A little more bent, still not broken

I’ve come a long way from those scary nights when I was too consumed with my own troubling thoughts to sleep

And those seemingly endless days where it felt like I was experiencing unrelenting panic attacks

2019 didn’t start off the way I had hoped

But in the last two months, I’ve been unapologetically selfish

I’ve focused on little else but getting myself healthy

My medication seems to be evening itself out

I’ve reduced my Ativan intake by half

I’ve started seeing a psychologist and am going to an info session held at a local hospital for an upcoming 12 week program for people to learn to cope with anxiety and depression

I’m living part-time with my parents and going home almost every day during the week to let out the dogs and practice my ‘exposures’

(‘…exposure therapy is a process for reducing fear and anxiety responses…a person is gradually exposed to a feared situation, learning to become less sensitive over time.’)

My fear is the dreaded feeling of having another panic attack

So that means I need to put myself in situations where I particularly anxious

For example, being alone or going to stores or other places by myself

It’s still very hard for me to understand why things turned out the way they did

I did everything you’re supposed to do

I reached out to my psychiatrist and family doctor about my intense apprehension over withdrawing from Paxil

I asked about inpatient facilities

During the crisis period, I went to hospitals, crisis centres and my own psychiatrist

I’m upset over the way things were handled

From my concerns not being taken seriously to the lack of care from the hospitals and most of all

That I feel like I did this to myself

And it was all for nothing

You know, I was speaking to my mom about going through tough times

She said it would be better if you knew there was a lesson of some sort you could take away from all of this

But I can’t for the life of me, find any valid takeaway from this experience, that I didn’t already know

Instead, I’m left feeling dissatisfied with the current mental healthcare system and most of all…

I feel defeated

Once again

By something that had and continues to have way too much impact on my life

And I’m tired of it

Tired of it’s overwhelming presence throughout my entire life

Sick of the powerful it yields so easily over me

Frustrated that the only way to move forward is to accept it and learn how to ride the wave of panic

So here I am

Sick and tired

Frustrated

But still riding the panic wave…

And trying to just live

‘Everybody Is A Book Of Blood; Wherever We’re Opened, We’re Red.’ Clive Barker

Today sucked

Hard

I arranged to have one of the Bayshore nurses come to my parents house to do my monthly bloodwork

Since I skipped last month

I was nervous before the day started

But I went with it

The nurse got here

I did the same old pee in the plastic cup song and dance

And then sat in a recliner to get it over with

I told her I usually have it taken from my hand

And that I have anxiety related to it

She was kind and all that

I didn’t have my rubber ball to pump to get the vein ready and blood flowing

But I tried other methods

She got the vein on the first try

I breathed a sigh of a relief

After the initial painful puncture

And then…

No blood

No blood came out

She tried a few times to get it flowing

Nada

She tried a different vein on the same hand

I pumped my hand manically

She got the vein

And still

No blood

I asked her to try my other hand

I was pretty shaky, sweaty and anxious at this point

She inserted the needle

And

No fucking blood

She said

I literally have the needle in your vein and nothing is coming out

We gave up

She recommended I try to go to my regular lab and see my usual homegirl

But of course

Because of my panic and near agoraphobia

I had been trying to avoid that

She left

With her empty vials

Apologies

Used needles

And unfulfilled lab requisition

I was left with my urine sample sitting on my mother’s coffee table in her living room

There wasn’t any point in sending it in without the blood

Three track marks and I’m sure ugly bruises to follow

I pulled my knees up and just started sobbing

I broke my no-crying-for-three-days record

Feeling sorry for myself

Everything is always so damn hard

Nothing seems to come easy

And yet

After all of that

I didn’t have a panic attack

Even pre crisis

A day like today would have likely made me have a panic attack

But today

Through the punctures, the pain, the discomfort, the crumbled hope and the anxiety

I didn’t have a panic attack

That’s my silver lining on this shit-tastic day

‘Only In The Darkness Can You See The Stars.’ Martin Luther King Jr

Its been three weeks since I slept in my own bed

It’s been one month since I went to the first emerge

It’s been four weeks and two days since I spent a night in a crisis centre

It’s been four weeks and one day since I went to the emerge in Collingwood

It’s been three weeks and two days since I sat in my neuro psychiatrists office crying and begging for help

It’s been three weeks less a day that I went back on 40 mg of Paxil

It’s been three weeks of good days, bad days and horrible days

Its been one day since I saw my neuro psychiatrist again and he upped my dosage to 50mg of Paxil to get me through this ‘crisis’

It’s been one day since he told me there was a significant gap in the mental health system which is why my wait for OHIP covered CBT is taking so long

Its been one day since he gave me the info of a private clinic

Its been thirteen hours since I started my new dose

It’s been thirteen hours with my stomach in knots

It’s been thirteen hours of fears, what if’s and so much more hope than I ever thought I had

One day at a time never felt quite so long

I know I’m not patient

But I’ll keep waiting if it means I get even a small fraction of a happy ending

I’ll keep waiting if it means that the last month hasn’t been in vain

I’ll wait as long as I can keep finding shards of light in the darkness

I’ll wait even it’s just a flicker

I can’t help but worry

I can’t help but wonder how long the world will wait for me…

‘Oh Angela It’s A Long Time Coming.’ The Lumineers

It is both heartwarming and difficult to look at these pictures of me.

I can see innocence and hope and so much zest for life in her expressive eyes. When I look in my eyes now, 35 plus years later, I see sadness that changed who I was to become.

I don’t know if that funny little girl with the big doe eyes is still around…but to her..I’m sorry…I wish I had done better

The Only Way Out Is Through

It’s been something like two and a half weeks since I lost my mind
Countless days and nights that I haven’t felt like myself
That my skin hasn’t felt like my own
Two and a half weeks since I went to two different emergency rooms
Two and a half weeks since I spent the night at a crisis centre
Two and a half weeks since I first lost my appetite
Two and a half weeks since I first started having irrational and obsessive thoughts on top of multiple panic attacks per day
Two and a half weeks since I became scared to be alone
Scared in my own home
Scared of my own mind
It’s been a week and a day since I came to stay with my parents
It’s been a week and a day and I’ve only been comfortable being left alone once for a short period
It’s been a week and a half since I told my neuro psychiatrist what I was experiencing
It’s been a week and a half since I went back to my old full dose of Paxil
It’s been a week and a half of 3-4 Ativan per day
It’s been a week and a half of nausea, grogginess, headaches, crying fits and having my appetite return
It’s been a week and a day since I haven’t went to bed in my own home
Where I haven’t seen Joey either right before bed or as soon as I wake in the morning
A week and a day since I last napped with my dogs
4 days until I call my neuro psychiatrist to let him know how I’m doing
5 days until I start paying for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
Unknown days until I return home
Unknown days until I don’t wake up afraid of a day filled with panic attacks
Unknown days until I don’t fall asleep fearing another day of panic attacks
Zero days that I haven’t wished for a different life
Zero days that I felt like I had the strength, courage and determination to get through this
Today though…is a special day
It’s the day where I wrote
Today is the day that I got my voice back